The Courage to be disliked: book summary by Ichiro Kishimi, fumitake koga.

What you get in this post: in this post, I have covered all chapter’s lessons

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Why do you have to read The Courage to be Disliked book summary?


In this book, Adlerian psychology is discussed.

Adlerian psychology: what is it?

Adlerian psychology has a strong following in both Europe and the US and offers clear, concise solutions to the philosophical quandary: How can one be happy? The solution may lie in Adlerian psychology. Your life could change if you read this book.

Let’s follow the young man now and go past the “door.”


The Japanese phenomenon that demonstrates how to transform your life and find true happiness

Want to know how?

Favorite quote: “You are the only one who can change yourself.”

Let’s get started.

This book is divided into 5 nights (parts) and has a total of 56 chapters, or you could say subtopics, so I’ll tell you about the key subtopics in each night’s portion.


Why People Can Change

Everyone yearns for the ability to change. Everyone you might stop and ask on the street would likely concur, as I am certain you already do.

But why do people think they need to change? There is only one possible explanation: they are unchangeable.

People wouldn’t spend as much time wishing they could change if it were simple to do so. You think People cannot change, no matter how much they might want to.

But this is not completely accurate.

Trauma Does Not Exist

We arrive at “determinism” if we only pay attention to past causes and attempt to understand everything solely in terms of cause and effect.

Because this implies that past events have already determined our present and our future, which cannot be changed.

That is the Adlerian psychological perspective.

In Adlerian psychology, we, therefore, focus on current “goals” rather than past “causes.”

Regardless of the circumstances, they find themselves in, people can change at any time. Only because you are choosing not to change can you not change.

People Fabricate Anger

There is a difference between indignation over the contradictions and injustices in society and personal anger (personal grudge) (righteous indignation).

Personal rage quickly subsides. On the other hand, righteous indignation is a long-lasting emotion. When used as a personal expression of resentment, anger is nothing more than a tool for controlling other people.

There is a difference between indignation over the contradictions and injustices in society and personal anger (personal grudge) (righteous indignation).

Personal rage quickly subsides. On the other hand, righteous indignation is a long-lasting emotion. When used as a personal expression of resentment, anger is nothing more than a tool for controlling other people.

You won’t be able to control your life if you are unable to control your emotions and anger. To get out of all of this, accept yourself right now and try not to let your emotions get the better of you.

Try to maintain your composure. Forgive others and yourself for your mistakes, regardless of the repercussions.

How to Live Without Being Controlled by the Past

The psychology of courage is Adlerian psychology. Your past or environment cannot be held responsible for your unhappiness.

Furthermore, you don’t lack competence. You simply lack bravery. You may not have the courage to experience happiness, so to speak.

Unhappiness Is Something You Choose for Yourself

As a result, you are unable to change because you keep telling yourself that you won’t change. You lack the courage to adopt a different way of life.

In other words, you are unhappy because you lack the courage to be happy.

People Always Choose Not to Change

However, if you alter your way of life—the way in which you give the world and yourself meaning—then you will also need to alter your behavior and manner of engagement with the outside world.

Keep in mind that one will need to adapt. You must choose your way of life just as you are. Although it might seem difficult, it is actually quite easy.

THE SECOND NIGHT: All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

Why You Dislike Yourself

You believe that your only assets are flaws and that you lack any real strengths. Whatever the circumstances, you feel that way.

In other words, you don’t value yourself at all. So, the questions are: Why do you feel so miserable?

And why do you think so poorly of yourself?

You think you don’t really have any strong points.

But that’s not true You only notice your flaws because you’ve resolved not to like yourself. To dislike yourself, you ignore your strengths and concentrate solely on your flaws.

All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

Imagine that the idea of loneliness would never even arise. There wouldn’t be a need for language, logic, or common sense either. However, it is not possible.

Even if you were a resident of a deserted island, you would consider someone thousands of miles away. You strain your ears to hear someone’s breath even if you spend your nights alone.

You will constantly feel alone as long as there is someone out there somewhere.

Interpersonal relationships are the root of all issues.

The core of Adlerian psychology is rooted in this idea.

All kinds of issues would disappear if there were no interpersonal relationships in this world, i.e., if one were alone in the universe and everyone else had vanished.

Feelings of Inferiority Are Subjective Assumptions

Let’s take a slightly different approach to how we view interpersonal relationships.

Do you know what “feeling of inferiority” means?

Minderwertigkeitsgefühl is the word used in Adler’s native German and means “a feeling of having less (minder) worth” (Wert). Therefore, having a negative opinion of oneself can cause “a feeling of inferiority.”

It is the perception that one is not valuable or that one’s value is limited.

Now, recall Minderwertigkeitsgefühl, the German term for a feeling of inferiority. As I briefly mentioned earlier, the phrase “feeling of inferiority” refers to one’s opinion of oneself.

What on earth could this value possibly be then? Okay, let’s use the highly valued commodity of diamonds as an example. perhaps money.

We assign specific values to these items, stating that one carat is worth this much and that prices are as follows. However, if you look at it from a different angle, a diamond is just a tiny stone.

In the end, the value issue brings us back to interpersonal interactions.

An Inferiority Complex Is an Excuse

The pursuit of superiority is the “condition of wanting to improve” that permeates everyone. One moves toward various ideals or objectives while holding them up.

However, one develops a sense of inferiority when they fall short of their goals.

For instance, some chefs experience a persistent sense of inadequacy that leads them to think things like I’m still not good enough or I need to improve my cooking, among other things, the more inspired and accomplished they become.

Life Is Not a Competition

Consider it in this manner. It’s common to associate the desire to try to be better than other people with the pursuit of superiority; to climb higher even if it means knocking others down—you know, the mental image of climbing a staircase and elbowing people aside to reach the top.

Naturally, Adler does not support such viewpoints.

Instead, he is arguing that on an even playing field, there are people who are advancing and people who are advancing behind them.

Remember that mental picture. Although everyone is walking at a different pace and covering a different distance, they are all doing so in the same level area.

The mindset of taking one step forward on one’s own two feet is the mindset of superiority pursuit, not the mindset of competition that demands striving to be better than others.

Admitting Fault Is Not Defeat

You’re “bearing it” when you manage your anger, right?

Let’s instead discover a method for resolving conflicts without resorting to anger. Since anger is a tool after all. a method of achieving a purpose.

Without the need for rage, we can express our ideas and intentions and be accepted. The anger emotion will stop showing up on its own if you learn to understand this experientially.

Overcoming the Tasks That Face You in Life

No matter how broadly the problem of interpersonal relationships is addressed, it never seems to be enough.

Why can’t you think of other people as your allies and why do you see them as your enemies? You are avoiding your “life tasks” because you no longer have any courage.

THE THIRD NIGHT: Discard Other People’s Tasks

Deny the Desire for Recognition

Have you ever stopped to consider what freedom is? Certainly, if one were to describe the true nature of what is brought about by money in a very general sense, one could say that it is freedom.

Adlerian psychology contests the necessity of pursuing approval from others.

It is not necessary to be acknowledged by others. Actually, one shouldn’t look for praise. This point cannot be emphasized enough.

Do Not Live to Satisfy the Expectations of Others

Being acknowledged by others is undoubtedly a cause for celebration. However, it would be inaccurate to assert that recognition is a must-have.

Why does someone initially seek recognition? Or, to put it another way, why does someone want to receive praise from others?

We believe It’s easy. Each of us can only truly feel that we have value when others acknowledge us.

This is the risk of wanting to be recognized. Why do people look for approval from others? It frequently results from the impact of education that uses rewards and punishments.

What is Reward-and-punishment education?

When one acts appropriately, one is praised.

When someone behaves inappropriately, they are punished. Adler was a fierce opponent of education through rewards and penalties.

It results in mistaken lifestyles where people believe that if no one compliments me, I won’t act appropriately, and if no one punishes me, I’ll act inappropriately as well.

How to Separate Tasks

Let’s discuss this from the standpoint of Adlerian psychology as a whole. For instance, in Adlerian psychology, when faced with the task of studying, we think about it from the perspective of “Whose task is this?”

For example: Whether or not the child studies. Regardless of whether he plays with his friends outside. In essence, this is the child’s responsibility, not the parent’s.

The young person’s duty is to study. By ordering the child to study, a parent is essentially interfering with the other person’s work.

By doing this, one is unlikely to avoid a collision. We must constantly distinguish our own tasks from those of other people by asking ourselves, “Whose task is this?”

A desire for Recognition Makes You Unfree

Perhaps it is simpler to live in a way that satisfies others’ expectations.

Because one is entrusting them with their own lives. For instance, one might run on the paths set out by their parents. Even though there are many things that one might disagree with, as long as one stays on those rails, one will not get lost.

However, getting lost occasionally is to be expected if one chooses their own path. One encounters the obstacle of “how one should live.”

to constantly worry about how other people perceive you and attempt to understand their feelings. to conduct one’s life in a way that fulfills the desires of others.

Although there may be markers to direct you in this direction, it is a very restricted way to live. Now, why do you choose a life that is so restricted?

In reality, you are saying that you don’t want to be despised by anyone when you use the phrase “desire for recognition.”

What Real Freedom Is.

Desiring to avoid offending others. This impulse and desire are completely natural to humans. The father of modern philosophy, Kant, referred to this desire as an “inclination.”

Describe inclination.

It is one’s irrational and instinctual desires.

Now, it would be incorrect to claim that living aimlessly and letting one’s inclinations, desires, or impulses take one wherever they please is “freedom.”

Such a lifestyle only results in being a slave to one’s impulses and desires. Real freedom is a mindset that resembles pulling one’s falling self up from the bottom.

A stone has no strength. It will roll until it is freed from the effects of gravity and inertia once it starts to roll downhill.

However, we are not rocks. We are creatures that have the capacity to rebuff inclination. We can stop ourselves from falling and move upward.

Recognition-seeking tends to be a natural desire. So, do you intend to continue descending in order to gain acceptance from others?

Are you going to grind yourself thin until everything is removed, like a rolling stone? Would “the real I” still exist if all that was left was a tiny round ball? It’s impossible.

THE FOURTH NIGHT: Where the Center of the World Is

The Goal of Interpersonal Relationships Is a Feeling of Community

In order to get to the point quickly, it is a “community feeling.”

This is a fundamental idea in Adlerian psychology, and opinions on how to apply it have generated a lot of discussions.

In fact, many people broke off their relationship with Adler after he proposed the idea of community feeling.

The community is at fault. What does it include? What comes to mind when you hear the word “community”?

Adler views the community as encompassing, encompassing not only nations and all of humanity but also the entire axis of time from the past to the future, and he includes inanimate objects such as plants, animals, and even inanimate objects when he refers to the community.

In other words, he is advocating that community is inclusive of literally everything—the entire universe, from the past to the future—rather than just one of the preexisting frameworks that the word might suggest.

Why Am I Only Interested in Myself?

Let’s think about this specifically now. I’ll use the term “self-centered” instead of “attachment to self” for the sake of clarity.

What kind of person, in your opinion, is a self-centered person?

Extremely self-centered people are also those who struggle with task separation and have a compulsive need for attention.

Think about the truth of the desire for approval. What do people think of you, and how much do they pay attention to you?

In other words, to what extent do they sate your craving?

People who are driven by an obsession with recognition will appear to be looking at others when they are actually only focused on themselves.

They have no regard for others and are only interested in themselves. They are merely self-centered.

You Are Not the Center of the World

People who only care about themselves believe they are at the center of the universe. Others are mere “people who will do something for me” to such people.

They erroneously think that everyone else is there to serve them and should put their feelings first.

Listen to the Voice of a Larger Community

For instance, a man abruptly loses his energy and depresses after reaching retirement age and quitting his job.

He is suddenly separated from the group that made up his community, and without a title or occupation, he is reduced to the status of “ordinary nobody.”

He ages almost instantly because he can’t accept the fact that he is now “normal.” However, the man was only really affected by being cut off from the small community that is his company.

Every individual is a member of a unique community. In the end, we are all a part of the community of the earth as well as the community of the universe.

How to Feel You Have Value

You will probably understand the solution as soon as you recall a time when you received assistance from a partner who is your equal rather than a child when you needed help with your work.

What do you tell a friend who helps you clean your house?

OK, thank you.

You express your appreciation to this partner, thanking them for their has benefited your work in some way. Simply saying “I’m glad” can convey your happiness.

Or you could say, “That was a big help,” to express your gratitude. This method of encouragement is based on horizontal connections.

From the perspective of Adlerian psychology, the solution is straightforward. Create a horizontal relationship with another person before anything else.

THE FIFTH NIGHT: To Live in Earnest in the Here and Now

Not Self-Affirmation — Self-Acceptance

Let’s start with accepting who we are.

Being upbeat and affirming oneself does not require extra effort. It’s

We are more interested in self-acceptance than self-affirmation.

There is a definite distinction. Self-affirmation is the act of telling oneself things like, “I can do it” or “I am strong,” even when you know that you can’t.

On the other hand, with self-acceptance, if one is incapable of doing something, one simply accepts “one’s incapable self” as is and moves on to accomplish what one is capable of. It is not a technique for deceiving oneself.

To put it another way, let’s say you received a score of 60%, but you tell yourself that your true score is 100% and that you simply got unlucky this time.

That is affirming oneself. In contrast, if one accepts themselves as they are, 60 percent of the time, and thinks to themselves, How can I approach getting closer to 100%? is self-acceptance.

The Difference between Trust and Confidence.

Considering the phrase “believing in others” in this context will help me differentiate it from confidence.

First, when we talk about trust, we’re talking about something with predetermined terms. It is referred to as credit.

For instance, you need some sort of security if you want to borrow money from a bank. Based on the value of that security, the bank determines the loan amount and says, “We will lend you this much.”

It is not a sign of confidence or trust when someone says, “We will lend it to you on the condition that you will pay it back” or “We will lend you as much as you are able to pay back.”

You Can Be Happy Now

Being unable to like oneself is the source of all human misery.

To address this reality, Adler came up with a very straightforward solution. Specifically, the only thing that can truly make one feel as though they are valuable is the awareness that “I am useful to the community” or “I am of use to someone.”

And this is crucial: When we talk about helping others, it doesn’t matter if the help isn’t immediately apparent.

It is not up to you to judge whether or not your contributions are worthwhile. That is not something you can handle; that is someone else’s job.

In theory, there isn’t even a way to tell if your efforts have actually been helpful.

To put it another way, all we need to feel like we are making a difference when we help others is the subjective sense that “I am of use to someone,” or to put it another way, a sense of contribution.

The courage to be normal.

The crucial first step is accepting who you are. If you can muster up the courage to

Be normal; your perspective on the world will drastically change.

Life Is a Series of Moments

Do not consider it to be a line. Consider life as a collection of dots.

A chalk line that appears solid at first glance will reveal itself to be a collection of tiny dots when viewed under a microscope.

Seemingly linear existence is actually a series of dots; in other words, life is a series of moments.

Live Like You’re Dancing

It would be a kinetic act to climb a mountain with the intention of reaching the summit. In an extreme case, it wouldn’t matter if you flew in a helicopter to the mountaintop, stayed there for around five minutes, and then flew back.

Of course, the mountain climbing expedition would have been a failure if you had not succeeded in reaching the mountain’s summit.

However, one could say it is energetic if the objective is mountain climbing itself, rather than just reaching the top.

Whether or not one reaches the mountaintop in this instance is irrelevant in the end.

Give Meaning to Seemingly Meaningless Life

In your life, you are lost. How did you get lost? You are lost because you are attempting to choose freedom, i.e., a path where you do not fear other people’s disapproval and do not live other people’s lives—a path that is solely yours.

It is only natural that one might get lost when attempting to choose freedom.

We require a guiding star in our lives, much like the traveler who relies on the North Star. That is the mentality of Adlerian psychology.

It is a broad ideal that holds that happiness is possible as long as we maintain our bearings and keep moving in the right direction.

That star, where is it?

It is an act of service.

As long as you keep your eyes on the guiding star of “I contribute to others,” you will not get lost and can do whatever you want, regardless of the circumstances you are in or the opinions of others.

Whether people like you or not, you don’t give a damn and go about your life.

Thank you for your time.

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